What's on my Mind

Category: Opinion

  • Being Overly Competitive

    Ever met someone in your life whose sole purpose of living seemed to compete?
    Did you not wonder what keeps them going?
    What was it with their unstoppable desire for power?
    When would they be at peace?

    I was born in a third world country where competition was inculcated from a naive age. It was hard to do things for the sake of doing. You did what you did coz it earned something. Everything else was deemed worthless.

    Competition was a requisite to earn money. Money meant success and success brought happiness. Wasn’t that the key to living?
    At least that’s what I grew up believing!

    Later in my twenties, I moved to Europe.
    I was amazed with the pace of life. Honestly, taken aback a bit. 🙄
    People were satisfied with what they had. It didn’t matter what you did coz whatever you did earned a living. With that being sorted, there was time to discover likes (& dislikes). Whatever that meant! 🧘‍♂️ Success was more than money. It didn’t mean relentless chasing.

    For the first time in many years, I stopped to examine the purpose of living.

    What I learned in the process helped me pin down the roots of competition. In this post, I share my hard earned two cents of wisdom.

    Comparison drives competition.

    “What do you want?” is a scary question for most people. We are barely aware of what we want in life, let alone understand our purpose of living.

    People define success by looking at what others want. Their concept of self-worth is based on external validation. As they compare and compete, surreal benchmarks of happiness get defined each day.

    Key to remember though is that comparison comes from a place of insecurity. When we’re not sure of what we want, we look at what others want.

    If we don’t ourselves define the meaning of success and happiness, it gets defined for us. Competition can then become an endless chase, a misery.

    Competition, my mate is driven by Ego (mostly).

    You’d be lying to say you have no ego. It’s that part of your personality that protects your unique identity. When “me” starts feeling put down, the competitive side kicks in. You won’t care what others think, say or feel, coz you’d want to believe you are right. You’d compete to prove yourself, to re-assure your identity. (to save your ego)

    But does that make it a wrong reason? Err… I say no.
    Ego is merely a self defence mechanism to protect your emotional well being. All it does is reinstate the fact that YOU exist, you are unique and you are right. It therefore drives you to compete, to put yourself out there in that chaotic world, where everyone else is also learning to co-exist.

    Beware that some people are more egoistic than others. Naturally, they are therefore more competitive. Extreme ego leads to narcissism – one of the traits of overly competitive.

    But some compete out of scarcity.

    Now this one kinda seems obvious. When resources are limited, everyone pulls each other down to make the most of it.
    Put with a bunch of crabs, trying to come out of shit hole, you’ve got to learn to compete. Don’t you?

    What is tough then is to let go this tendency, when you’ve reached your place of abundance. That doesn’t happen automatically.

    So, how do you know if you are an overly competitive person?

    So one thing I’ve learned is that there is nothing wrong in being competitive.
    Competition gives you a nudge to be your best self.
    Being overly competitive though is problematic.
    It affects YOU (without you realising it) and those around you (without you acknowledging it).

    Ask yourself three questions.
    1. Are you constantly thinking about getting ahead of someone?
    2. You don’t worry how others feel about your chase?
    3. Do you feel stressed emotionally and maybe physically?

    If the answer to any of the above is yes, then you my mate are overly competitive. You are far from knowing your true purpose and cutting the chase is necessary.

    Are you a sufferer making those around you suffer? (Irony, that is).

    What would it take for you to realise this?

    © myhandwrites. Megha Gupta. All rights reserved.

  • Furiously Happy – Book Review

    Does the cover of this book make you smile? (because I completely fell in love with it. so much so that I bought the kindle edition last month.) That scary-looking, overly delightful raccoon is very much real. (except that it’s dead and taxidermied by the author.)

    In her book “Furiously Happy” Jenny gives a peek into her insanely overworked mind. She talks about her cats, her therapist, a “normal” husband, and everything – hamster, Australia, Galileo, Parsley, and whatnot. Behind every weird conclusion she makes is a bulletproof theory that she invents with an overly creative mind. Jenny also talks about her experiences with depression and anxiety with candid honesty. She is very expressive about how she feels in her lowest days, how she handles the fear, the success and persisting condition of mental illness. Her courage to talk about these topics in such details is the soul of this book.

    Jenny’s writing style makes you connect with her instantly. Reading it felt like sitting inside her head.

    I saw Anne Frank trending on Twitter and I thought she’d died. Again. Turns out it was the person who found her diary that died. She’s fine. And by ‘fine’ I mean ‘still dead.’ Not that I think that it’s fine that she’s dead. I just think it’s fine that she’s not back from the dead. No one needs an Anne Frank zombie.
    ~ Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy

    I try not to get caught up in appearance issues though because my grandmother always used to say, “It’s what’s inside that counts.” And that’s probably true because with my luck my best feature would be hidden deep, deep inside my body. I suspect my best feature is my skeleton, which is a shame because it might be the most elegant and hauntingly graceful skeleton ever but I’ll never get complimented on it while I’m still fleshy enough to appreciate it. That’s why I’d like people to say “Nice skeleton” to me now. Just give me the benefit of doubt, you know? “
    ~ Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy

    It took me over a month to finish this book. Not that it’s lengthy, but because it’s a series of essays, each with a very distinct title. That’s why I found it a good bedtime read. There are some parts in this book where you think the author is rambling on, but I guess that is really how an anxious mind looks.

    I’ve learned from reading this book that it’s hard to dislike someone when they are so genuine. I, therefore, recommend this book for its original style. It would make you laugh while giving you a perspective on what it feels like to be anxious or depressed.

    Four stars for Jenny Lawson’s Furiously Happy!
    (She did make me happy)

    ★★★★

    © Copyright 2021. Megha Gupta. All rights reserved.

  • The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

    Last month, I picked up this book as I was intrigued with its title. It took me only a week to finish this read and all this time I had many Aha moments, where I felt Gawd! this is so true! This isn’t a self help book and certainly not a book barraging old philosophy. It rather is a series of guide posts, each entailing author’s personal story, her experience as a researcher and how it shaped her view of whole hearted living. (what whole hearted living really is!)

    The author starts by discussing shame. (a topic she studied for almost two decades.) I instantly reckon her description of shame – An “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
    Brené  connects this feeling of shame to our sense of striving for perfection.
    Through her research, she breaks the myth of combining perfection with success and happiness. She explains how perfectionism hampers success. How often it is a path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.

    Brené  also talks about courage and vulnerability. She explains how courage is like a habit, you become courageous by couraging. Both courage and vulnerability are must to form a meaningful connection. In her ten guideposts, she describes how wholehearted living rests on courage, compassion, connection. She explains how love, belonging, and worthiness foster the feeling of wholehearted living.

    There are several quotes in this book that can get you thinking. And if you are like me, reading them twice, you’d come to appreciate the simplicity of her idea.

    Below were my three favorite quotes from this book.

    “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

    “Until we can receive with an open heart, we’re never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.”

    “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions”

    After I finished this book, I felt a dire need to read her other work. I discovered her blog (very interesting) and checked out her other books. I’m planning to pick one of these titles very soon. See full list at the end of this post.

    Bottom line, If you are going through a rough patch and looking for a bed time read, I’d definitely recommend reading The gifts of Imperfection.
    I read it coz I found its title very attractive.
    I recommend it coz I simply loved the book.

    My Goodreads rating (5/5)

    Brené Brown’s other books

    1. I thought it was just me – Hiding your struggle isn’t always the answer. Life’s imperfections are part of what it means to be human—and that’s OK
    2. Daring Greatly – Despite common opinion, experiencing vulnerability is a personal sign of strength rather than weakness.
    3. Rising Strong – Brown explores the ways you can become comfortable with being vulnerable in order to be your strongest self—and open to life’s joy and love.
    4. Daring to lead – Using research conducted with cultural change makers, Brown teaches us how we can take fundamental human ideals—connection, courage, and empathy, for example—and turn them into tools to become more conscientious leaders.
    5. Braving the wilderness – By introducing key practices of “true belonging,” Brown educates us on ways we can reconnect with our true selves amidst an increasingly distracting, perfectionist world. A key factor? Embracing nature.

    © Copyright 2020. Megha Gupta. All rights reserved.

  • The Indian head wobble

    If you’ve ever witnessed an Indian wobbling his head,
    You’ve probably wondered “was that a yes or was that a no“? OR
    Perhaps you thought there’s something wrong with that neck
    while he viscously nodded to your speech?


    I’ve been wobbling my head since almost three decades now without realizing that
    it wasn’t a norm elsewhere. So, when in the Netherlands someone asked me, if that nod meant a yes or a no, I was stumped. (by his naivety).
    That he did not know what it meant came in as a sheer surprise.

    Of course, that didn’t stop me from wobbling my head
    I decided to publish these guidelines instead! 😎

    How to Interpret the Indian head wobble?

    1. Was that a YES?


    [farewell story]
    Someone : Would you like a beer?
    Me: (nods up and down)
    Someone: Brings beer. Not for me.
    (Didn’t register a Yes.) 😒

    A simple nod (up and down) means an obvious yes. It’s a pity, some don’t reckon this simple gesture yet. That made me reconsider a voice-over with this wobble.
    [Destroys the whole purpose of wobbling my head] 😠   

    2. Was that a NO?

    [say cheese!]
    I hate blue cheese.
    You’re lucky that I tried it even once. (I grew up on processed cheese.)
    It smelled so foul that I had to gulp down the whole piece. 🤢
    That was tough. But then you asked “if I want more ?”
    I nodded my head (in sheer disgust).
    I thought that was clear – an obvious NO
    But there you were, pouring some more!

    If it weren’t you, I wouldn’t have given up french cheese!

    You : Shall we order a cheese plate?
    Me : (nods left and right)

    3. What’s with that constant nod?

    I’ve got to speak even as you speak. (be it with my wobbling head)
    That’s mere telepathy to convey if I agree or disagree.
    ( of course, that assumes my opinion is important) 😎

    Boss: This year hasn’t been good for the company. We can’t offer promotions.
    Me : (Nodding head left and right)
    Boss : In fact we’re thinking of cutting down salaries. We’re looking for volunteers.
    Me : (still nodding)

    Boss: You! Thank you for volunteering
    Me : WTF!
    [I just disagreed]


    The next time I sit in those board room meetings, I’ll bring some sign boards along with me.

    4. Did you just greet?

    They’ve got a population of more than a billion in India.
    You’ve got no time to greet everybody, That’s why they invented a wobble to greet.

    [at Coffee machine]
    Indian colleague : [smiles and nods]
    Me: [smiles and nods}
    Another Indian comes : [nods at both of us]
    Me : [nods]
    End of conversation!

    Are there more expressions?

    Head wobbling is a language on its own. They’re a dozen other expressions to convey your message. I suggest you scroll through YouTube once.

    Although the ones I describe here, cover eighty percent of the wobbling business.

    Why do they wobble?

    Good question. I’ve got a theory for this. (since there is no exact answer)

    A lot of communication in India is non verbal.
    Facial expressions, hand gestures, tone of your voice and the head wobble.
    They’re all used to emphasize your view, to be influential (amidst crowd and chaos).

    The head wobble comes in very handy when talking to strangers,
    who don’t speak your language or while talking to acquaintances,
    who would not listen. Wobbling as you speak means double emphasis.
    You certainly get the attention.

    Afternote: Seventy percent of human communication is actually non verbal.
    So, I wonder if there’s something wrong with the head wobble!
    Perhaps, if it you don’t wobble, you might as well be doing something else! 🙄


    #Indianheadwobbleexplained

    © Copyright 2020. Megha Gupta. All rights reserved.

  • The Habit of People Pleasing

    There is a fine line between being nice and being a people pleaser.
    Do you realize when you’ve leaped your boundaries to make someone happy?
    Do you know, when to say “NO”?
    Can you stand for your beliefs and values? Do you actually have some? OR
    Do you adjust them often to suit the situation?


    Whether or not you are a people pleaser, you might find some of the below traits familiar. (for there is no such thing as an “overly nice person“) 😎

    1. Never say NO!

    Have you been in a situation before where you were left hanging on crossroads?
    Did they not share their thoughts straight and clear?
    For some people, saying “NO” can be impossible. People pleasers aren’t really decisive which is why they procrastinate their true feelings and roll with the situation. They’d rather be in denial than confront their fears and bear the repercussions.

    Perhaps it’s time to let go and make a call yourself? 🙄

    2. Lie to play good

    For someone indulged in people pleasing, lying can come as a natural skill. They would rather lie than offend. So they shower compliments every time you seek their opinion.
    They aren’t of course blindfolded to see those obvious flaws. They just feel morally obliged to make everyone happy.
    It is what they do to feed their sense of self worth. (by taking responsibility to make you happy)

    3. Never Confront

    Confrontation is not an option for them.
    They are worse at handling conflicts. Which is why they are agreeable and overly adjusting. If you notice a person who would crib but not confront, who would slog but not manage expectations, you’re likely witnessing a people pleaser.

    Should you be worried to work alongside?
    I’d say Definitely. They are setting unsustainable benchmarks. 😳


    Why they do what they do – Deep rooted need of validation

    Acceptance and approval for a people pleaser does not come independently. They seek this validation externally. (that’s what we do as a child)

    Typically, when we submit ourselves to parental desires, we seek their validation unknowingly. Love follows compliance, which makes us agreeable instinctively.

    If you couldn’t deviate from those parental preferences for the fear of abandonment or disappointment, you are most likely to associate those fears in all other relationships.

    It is this deep rooted need for acceptance that makes someone morally obliged to keep others happy and avoid conflicts.

    Why they do what they do – Culture promotes it

    Culture has a profound impact on how you perceive yourself in a society. Its values are reflected in your day to day experiences. If everyone around you believes in those shared values, you are highly unlikely to challenge them.

    Would you rather stand alone and hold onto your beliefs OR would you slowly adapt to be able to belong?

    In that bid to belong somewhere, one might as well forget their own likings and values.
    That might be why they resort to people pleasing.

    In the End

    People pleasing is toxic. It is extremely draining (both mentally & physically ) as it takes time and energy to make someone consistently happy. This of course comes at the expense of your own needs. What makes it worse is when you aren’t aware of them actually.

    If you were to know what you stand for, would you then still be happy?
    Would you dare to prioritize yourself (& your needs) above others?
    Would you then accept yourself when they think of you as ” not so nice”?



    #endofstory

    © Copyright 2020. Megha Gupta. All rights reserved.

  • My Top Five Reads since 2019

    I realize, I’ve been reading but haven’t been writing about the books I’ve read so far. That does no good, considering the short term memory I have. 🙄 So last weekend, I spent some time reminiscing my kindle collection.

    I’ve read twenty eight books since last year and I might as well write about them all at some point but this post is dedicated to my top five reads since 2019.
    They had a deep impact on me. (& my perspective). I highly recommend these, if you haven’t read them already.

    1. One flew over the cuckoo’s nest

    Category – Fiction

    Mental Institution has always been a stranded Island and one can’t imagine what goes on with the lives of patients in there. This book offers a whole new window to that world. It is actually setup in a psychiatric hospital, narrated by a patient in there.

    It details very well, the mundane routine of patients, how they become used to the bureaucratic hospital regime and why they accept their fate in this mental asylum.
    Will they ever get better? Will they be a part of normal society again? You will doubt the answers to above throughout this read.
    The plot of this book takes an interesting turn when a new admit enters this psychiatric center and challenges the rules and authority.

    This book is marked in fiction category but the characters drawn out in this book seem so real that I found it largely alluding to real life situations.

    Overall rating – 4.5/5
    (not 5 b’coz I found a small part of this book, a bit flimsy)
    Note: There is a also a movie on this book from 1975.

    2. Midnight in Chernobyl

    Category – Non Fiction

    Just about the time, I was reading this book, they launched an HBO series showcasing this nuclear disaster at Chernobyl. It was a five episode series and although they captured the central plot impressively, they didn’t do enough justice to “the making of Chernobyl”.

    Years before the actual nuclear explosion happened (26 April, 1986), the inadequacies of this nuclear plant made it vulnerable to fail. It managed to bypass all security standards. The Soviet government was aware of this and at the same time very competitive.
    The aftermath of this crisis was equally disastrous. (largely due to the fact the Soviet govt hid the disaster from its own people and the world). This severely affected the reputation of Soviet Union.
    This book uncovers the whole story, detailing all events that went into the making of world’s worst nuclear disaster. (till this date)
    Not to forget the character build up in this book, which is so strong that I found myself boiling in anger in many scenes.

    Today, Chernobyl is open to tourists. They built a giant dome covering this radiation site. The Ukrainian government is trying to capitalize on this abandoned site, citing that it is completely safe. I would like to go (visit), but I doubt if it really is safe. Could it be a propaganda to promote revenue?

    Overall rating – 5/5

    3. Educated

    Category : Non Fiction

    I’ve read this book somewhere in Dec 2019 but I can still reckon clearly, the struggles of Tara Westover (the author of this book). I found this book remarkable coz the experiences that Tara shares in this book are very personal and extraordinary.

    Tara was not registered at her birth. She didn’t exist in any government records up until she was nine.
    Her family (including her parents and six siblings) was mormonic and extremely rigid. They boycotted all public amenities (including doctors, hospitals and even schools). Tara was loosely home schooled.

    In spite of this large disconnect, Tara held on to the conviction of existence of a world outside this bubble. She understood the value of education. She tried by all her means to be educated. This book is a beautiful story of Tara’s journey from her life in isolation to life in real society.

    She ended up pursuing an MBA in the University of Cambridge. She now lives a life away from her family.

    Overall rating – 5/5

    4. Maybe you should talk to someone

    Category – Non Fiction

    To be honest, I picked this book to understand a therapist’s perspective on his or her patients. I’ve always been intrigued about what really happens in a therapy session. I have not been to any. (not that I want to ). But this book, just gives enough insights.
    It is actually a therapist’s account of her patients (disguised) as she details her sessions with those patients. She is candid in expressing her view about the situation and how she relates those to her own life.

    What is interesting to see is that the author (therapist herself) consults another therapist to tackle the problems of her own life. The vulnerability with which she shares her own experience with this other therapist helps you visualize therapy in general, as a third person.


    I loved this book as it was a perfect bedtime read. I finished this very quick.
    By the way, for those who do not know – American TV show “In treatment” is another popular fictionalized account of therapy sessions.

    Overall rating – 4/5

    5. Sapiens

    Category – Non Fiction

    There never has been a simplistic view of Human history described before Sapiens. Now, I am not a fan of reading history (I find it hard to remember chronology), so I didn’t pick this one for six months.(even though I had a hard copy). But I have to admit, I was glued to this after I read its first few pages.

    Sapiens is the kind of book that will help you understand why we are, the way we are. It feels like history demonstrated by someone who understands psychology. It explores the basics like why we (the homo sapiens) survived while all our ancestors became extinct? How agriculture changed our lives? How industrial and scientific revolution shaped our complex society? What challenges lay ahead of us? (and other interesting questions)

    I liked this book as it helped me understand the present and what lies ahead of us, while reading the history.

    .Overall rating : 4/5

    Appendix :

    Full list of books I read since 2019

    1. Predictably Irrational – Dan Ariely
    2. How to win friends and Influence people- Dale Carnegie
    3. I can’t make this up life lessons – Kevin Hart
    4. One flew over the cuckoo’s nest – Ken Kesey
    5. Educated – Tara Westover
    6. Resilience – Eric Greiten
    7. The Gene – Siddhartha Mukherjee
    8. Me talk pretty one day – David Sedaris
    9. Dreams from my father – Barack Obama
    10. Unbroken – Laura Hillenbrand
    11. The four agreements – Don Miguel Ruiz
    12. Brexit – Ian Dunt
    13. Switch – Chip and Dan Heath
    14. Maybe you should talk to someone – Lori Gottlieb
    15. A river in darkness – Masaji Ishikawa
    16. Hyperbole and a half – Allie brosh
    17. Humans – Tom Phillips
    18. Man’s search for meaning – Viktor E Frankl
    19. Boundaries – Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend
    20. Becoming – Michelle Obama
    21. Sapiens – A brief history of humankind – Yuval Noah Harari
    22. Don’t sweat the small stuff – Richard Carlson
    23. Tuesdays with Morrie – Mitch Albom
    24. The Peter Principle – Laurence J. Peter & Raymond Hull
    25. Midnight in Chernobyl – Adam Higginbotham
    26. Thinking, person’s guide to Autism – Shannon des Roches Rosa (and others)
    27. Shantaram – Gregory David Roberts
    28. Adulthood is a myth – Sarah Andersen

    © Copyright 2020. Megha Gupta. All rights reserved.

  • The Conundrum of Indian Marriages

    There never has been enough clarity on why marriages are a big buzz in India and the latest addition on Netflix portraying “arranged marriages” adds more to this confusion. I hated the show (although I was glued to it over last weekend, watching all its juicy episodes). So, writing this post now, feels more like redemption! 😎

    To start with, there are three kinds of marriages (in India)

    1 Love Marriage This is a no brainer. You choose a companion, whom you think you can bear for the rest of your life. You decide to marry. Family succumbs. They pay for your grand ceremony. Hola! you get married! OR (sometimes) Family disagrees. Then, you chuck family. Marry in court. Hola! you get married.

    Note : Family is an unavoidable institution in the event of marriage. (notably, parents)

    2. Love but arranged marriage : This is a slightly complex version as the family has a “say” in this whole affair. (they’ve tamed you enough, so you keep them in loop). You find a partner, whom you think you love. You decide to get married. But then comes the “real” decision. Your family opts to exercise their veto, denying your choice of companion.

    You beg so they succumb. and you get married. (don’t get me wrong, but this is a highway to expectations. You are better off without it 😎 ).

    OR

    You may as well accept the overruling (resolving to make their lives miserable 😈 ). You raise the bar of your expectations and make them the owner of your marriage conundrum. 😛 This basically moves the whole affair to the third category of marriages.

    Note : If no one interferes with your marriage decision, perhaps you should be skeptical. Either they trust you (on surface!) or they are dodging you away (& your future responsibility).

    3. Arranged marriage – If you’ve failed the above two options, then this becomes your default choice. Arranged marriages are the “Indian version of Tinder” The difference being, not only you but your whole family is scrolling through the profiles of your prospect companion.) Since, you’ve given up on finding love, the responsibility is now delegated. 😛 . Your parents jump into action, putting their best brains into ” Mission marriage.”

    Expectations from prospect partner get exponentially multiplied. The distant future is evaluated with an obsession of being practical. Education, Salary, Prospect of kids, Genes, Hereditary diseases, adaptability index and whatever the heck are your preferences, become critical. Years pass and you find no one.

    Slowly, you start crossing off items from your holy list of expectations. (until you become desperate enough to get rid of this whole affair). Just then, you find that perfect someone. You feel grateful to eternity and fall in love.(after marriage!)

    Questions?

    Now that you know about the kinds of marriages in India, you might as well have some follow up questions. (Shoot em! Errr….don’t watch those Television shows. They are made to entertain , not to educate! ). You might as well refer to below FAQ (I had ample time this weekend to put them together 😛 ). I hope they nip the curiosity in bud!. 😎

    FAQ

    Why is marriage so important in India?

    It is more than just an event in your life. It is a way of living. A permanent companionship in the form of marriage is deemed critical for a happy life.

    So, what if you don’t marry?

    You are basically unhappy. (or at least they think you are). They won’t stop chasing you until you’ve reached far beyond that “suitable age”.

    What is meant by suitable age?

    Life is a timetable. (almost) and everything therefore must happen at a given time. That’s the philosophy behind this term. Considering, you have a plan for kids after marriage(& then you’d need to be fertile), an appropriate age is decided.

    26 – 28 (suitable age), 29-30 (borderline worried), 30+ (desperate)

    Why do Indians have Grand weddings?

    Well, this is misconception. Not all Indian weddings are grand. (although, a massive chunk of savings are put into it). The guest list can vary anywhere from 100 to 1000 (or perhaps more.). It really depends on how much the parents are willing to spend and how much of social status (or association) comes from the marriage. Another reason for marriages being magnificent is coz those who marry rarely spend. Ask them to sponsor their own wedding and see how the whole event downsizes!

    Do they have good food in the wedding?

    Food is the next piece of attraction (after bride and groom). Although, not all weddings have great food. It really depends on the budget of the wedding, the catering company and their performance on the day of wedding! (which can largely vary depending on the guest count). So, if you’re travelling solely to indulge in food, I suggest you plan an alternative itinerary.

    Why are the families so involved?

    What else do you expect? Those who spend have a say. You don’t go to a restaurant to just pay the bill. (You choose what you like). So, families get involved. (in some way or the other, irrespective of the kind of marriage). Another reason is the institution of family itself, which is deemed sacred right from the childhood.

    Are there astrologers involved?

    Depends. (yes, if either of the family is a strong believer). But usually it is a must for all “arranged marriages”. Even if you don’t believe in astrology, you wouldn’t like to step into something which is marked to blow off.

    Is a matchmaker involved?

    Rarely. We have the internet. There are umpteen matchmaking websites. (Indian versions of tinder), magazines and newspaper that offer services to hunt “desired” prospect. If you don’t trust these mediums, you spread the word around your acquaintances. They might as well set you up with someone.

    Why is the divorce rate so low ?

    I can think of three reasons to this. 1. Clearly, finding a partner via arranged marriage is a pain in a**. Why would you do it again? So, the best way is to not disrupt the existing.
    2. Families get involved. Which means, you are not only divorcing the partner, but you are also divorcing the family. (this isn’t easy, considering the plethora of opinions involved)
    3. Legal system demotes it. You can’t just file for a divorce and expect to get separated in couple of weeks. It is a lengthy procedure and takes at least a year ( or more, by when you might as well change your plan).

    [If you are married to your love, I assume you live happily after. If not, points 2 and 3 still stay valid. ]

    How reliable is this information?

    The views (where any) expressed in this post are solely my own. (I don’t say they are any wiser than the existing others.) Let your own judgement prevail .

    © Copyright 2020. Megha Gupta. All rights reserved.

  • The Perks of being Judgemental

    The five “perks” of being judgemental

    1. You get a chance to “self reflect”

    Being judgemental gives you a chance to self reflect (literally). You see the world through your own eyes. You measure its worth by your own beliefs. 😎
    All your life, you build a holy grail of values, to justify those hidden beliefs. You judge someone on the basis of those (confounding) beliefs.

    So what, if they don’t publish a guide for your principles. You go ahead and publish your own “Bible”. 😎 You build each chapter around those miserable sins, those ignorant commit. (How else would they learn your holy beliefs?)

    You guide them to the only path of salvation. (that is, by becoming you!) 😛 This gives you a chance to self reflect (literally ). Perhaps, you like their version of you?!

    [Self reflection]

    2. The world owes you for your charitable framework

    That habit of standardizing every situation often comes in very handy. (So, you might just meet a person at a bar, know where he or she comes from and write their bio data yourself!. 😛 )Thanks to your judgemental framework, we now know how to make quick conclusions. How else would we know – that Americans are loud. All Canadians are polite. Germans are distant. The Spanish are talkative and all Indians work in IT. 😳

    3. You get done more in less time

    Being judgemental makes you more productive. So, you have a pile of resume sitting at your desk ? Perhaps, you have a tight timeline? Don’t worry. Just be yourself (overly critical) 😈

    (End of one week. Outcome : 100 rejects. Super productive!)

    4. You become an Influencer

    Being judgemental can even make you an influencer. The world is full of meeks.(who want to believe in something) So, you may say whatever the heck you have to say. Just be loud and clear in what you think and someone, somewhere will strike a chord with you. Who knows what sentiments you may trigger! They may as well declare you an overnight success! (#revolutionary #disrupter.)

    We’ve witnessed quite some “influential” leaders in past (although not in a good way) . Who knows you might be the next one? #milord

    5. You don’t have to fit in

    An advantage of being your judgemental self is that you don’t fit in (or rather have to fit in). Those around you just don’t suit your “high” standards. So, you stay happy to be your own friend. (with whom you happen to be in love).

    You probably don’t care if they leave you all alone (& mark your grave – “The overly judgmental.”) You’d be too busy to care. lying in that grave, judging thy neighbors. (Maybe, they understand your wisdom better)

    After note:
    Wondering why that therapist says “don’t be judgemental”?
    Maybe, he made a flaw in his judgement! 😎
    P.S – Just a perspective. Absolutely not self help! 😉

    © Copyright 2020. Megha Gupta. All rights reserved.

  • Happiness is a Myth

    Happiness is unreal. Our own instincts are designed against it. There are thousands of books on the topic of Happiness. The self help industry is basically obsessed with this subject. But it is not a natural state of our minds. If it were, why then would we need to learn to be happy?

    Comparison is our mother. We evolved from monkeys. What did you expect? C’mon, we don’t invent our needs. We identify with what others need. We crave for more, for better version of what they have. Until, we have it all. (which basically is never 😎 ). That instinct to compare, leaves us unsatisfied. I knew this guy from school. He was so dumb. Couldn’t write a sentence without a spelling error. Wonder how he landed that job. 🙄 I wish.. blah blah.. Why on earth is she so thin? She looks so damn good in that pink dress. Ohh god! When will I loose some weight. Crib! Crib!

    We have an urge to belong. Humans are social. We live in herds. That desire to fit in comes in very natural. It is what makes us do “adjustments”. We adapt ourselves constantly to keep up with the rest. So what, if you moved to a new country. What? They don’t speak English there? Ohh, okay. You can adjust. (yourself & your expectations). You can speak a new language. Years pass. Arghh, this is so tough! (sorry, we can’t teach you no more, you just don’t belong!). That urge to belong somewhere can be really exhausting.

    We are constantly searching “the Meaning”. We love to believe in destiny. They say, “everything happens for a reason”. So we spend our whole lives, searching for that purpose. We try find meaning in whatever the heck we do. So, you frustrated with your life yet? Can’t do that work, eat, play no more? Planning kids? Hell yeah! Of course, we were born to multiply!

    At any given time, we live in all three dimensions of time. Believe me! We already have a time machine. Every living moment, we traverse through three time zones – The past, the present and that glorious future. If you look back now, the past seems beautiful.(It may have sucked at that point!). We tweak our past, every time we think about it.

    The future on other hand, is a promising dream. We gather a wish list every time we think about it. That past & the future are benchmark to the present. So imagine living through these three eras in a single instant. Does that make you feel depressed about your present? Does it seem miserable somehow? That tendency to time travel leads to disappointment, leaving us unhappy.

    We are scared of unknown. You wanna know what happens after that vaccine comes? You die from its side effects instead of Covid itself. You think dying is dreadful? Imagine living with a lousy lung for the rest of your life. Uncertainty scares the hell out of us. In the monkey mode that we operate , we can’t cope with new problems. That’s why we are obsessed with finding standard solutions. Our theories publicize solutions. That makes us comfortable to navigate our journey.

    Imagine happiness as a theory to navigate living. It makes us hopeful. It makes us feel content with life. Would we strive for it, if nobody talks about it? Or would we start accepting ourselves (& that bag full of crappy feelings)?

    Happiness is a myth. Acceptance is the key.

    © Copyright 2020. Megha Gupta. All rights reserved.

  • Are you being overly defensive?

    Have you been in a situation before where you came out defensive? Did someone set your alarms off or did you bring up your shield even before the attack occur? Were you called overly emotional or perhaps close minded? Maybe you were protecting yourself from an unpleasant feeling. Maybe you were avoiding a responsibility. Or perhaps, you were protecting that fragile ego of yours?

    All of us have been defensive at some point in our lives. Admit it! Whatever the heck the reason be, our defensive self can turn a neutral situation into a war. Do you realize when you are being defensive? Or do they commit the offense of telling you that? (Shoot them!). In this post, I share a glimpse of some defensive episodes. Maybe, you recognize some of them? I certainly don’t. [just being defensive] 😎

    Episode 1 : It’s not my Fault.

    Ever felt blamed for something that you didn’t want to own? Did you just dissociate yourself from the situation completely? Is that your natural skill or have you become an expert at dodging the blame at someone else?

    Maybe, its time to let go the fault finding and admit your fault. Nah?Then, maybe you can get back at them by merely stating the fact – their criticism invoked your defense mechanism. 😆

    Episode 2 : Why do I have to justify myself ?

    Have you been to an awkward interview where you wish you had not come? Why? Was that sadist interviewer questioning your worth? Or was he psychoanalyzing your reaction?

    Well, your need for validation could have made you sound defensive. You might as well have boasted your credentials at the slightest sound of rejection, but that didn’t help you win his confidence.

    Maybe, you now feel glad that you were not selected. Think hard! Are you now protecting yourself from feeling dismissed? 🙄

    Episode 3: There is a deeper meaning to this

    Did you ever start an argument from a subtle remark someone made? Why? Did it pinch you that deep? Did it bring up bad memories from the past? Is that why you decide to go full on defensive?

    Overthinking can make you overly sensitive. You may simply overreact to protect yourself from your own insecurities.

    So, next time, pack your argument for a different moment. That way, they can’t figure out, if you are being defensive! 👿

    Episode 4 : Let me take back the control

    Perhaps, you felt like you were loosing control. Was there a situation where you thought, your opinions didn’t matter? Did you feel undervalued ? How did you cope with your looming identity crisis?

    Projecting your anger is often another way of self defense. It has twofold benefits – 1. It satisfies your impulse to feel powerful. 2. It scares the hell out of the person trying to undermine your existence.

    No matter who comes out victorious from this power play, it sure has some financial downturn.

    Episode 5: Offense is the best defense

    “You don’t have to live your life the way they ask you to. You are your own master.” Did somebody just challenge that conviction? Did it awaken the warrior in you? 😳

    Sometimes, offense is the best mechanism to protect yourself from a hurtful experience. While the consequences can be grave, who the f*ck cares about them when following instincts! 😎

    The End

    Being defensive is not unnatural. In fact we were all born with a “Survival Instinct” – our basic self defense mechanism. It ensures our physical well being but does not care much for our emotional front. So, as we grow up in this demented world, we enhance our defense structures to protect our ego, our confidence, our basic need to feel content with ourselves.

    Being overly defensive, however, is a problem. It can affect you and your relationships badly. In a bid to protect your own self, you might completely isolate yourself. Perhaps, your dear ones think you can let go that shield of yours? What do you think? Would it hurt to be more vulnerable than being overly defensive?

    © Copyright 2020. Megha Gupta. All rights reserved.