What's on my Mind

Tag: Psychology

  • Being Overly Competitive

    Ever met someone in your life whose sole purpose of living seemed to compete?
    Did you not wonder what keeps them going?
    What was it with their unstoppable desire for power?
    When would they be at peace?

    I was born in a third world country where competition was inculcated from a naive age. It was hard to do things for the sake of doing. You did what you did coz it earned something. Everything else was deemed worthless.

    Competition was a requisite to earn money. Money meant success and success brought happiness. Wasn’t that the key to living?
    At least that’s what I grew up believing!

    Later in my twenties, I moved to Europe.
    I was amazed with the pace of life. Honestly, taken aback a bit. 🙄
    People were satisfied with what they had. It didn’t matter what you did coz whatever you did earned a living. With that being sorted, there was time to discover likes (& dislikes). Whatever that meant! 🧘‍♂️ Success was more than money. It didn’t mean relentless chasing.

    For the first time in many years, I stopped to examine the purpose of living.

    What I learned in the process helped me pin down the roots of competition. In this post, I share my hard earned two cents of wisdom.

    Comparison drives competition.

    “What do you want?” is a scary question for most people. We are barely aware of what we want in life, let alone understand our purpose of living.

    People define success by looking at what others want. Their concept of self-worth is based on external validation. As they compare and compete, surreal benchmarks of happiness get defined each day.

    Key to remember though is that comparison comes from a place of insecurity. When we’re not sure of what we want, we look at what others want.

    If we don’t ourselves define the meaning of success and happiness, it gets defined for us. Competition can then become an endless chase, a misery.

    Competition, my mate is driven by Ego (mostly).

    You’d be lying to say you have no ego. It’s that part of your personality that protects your unique identity. When “me” starts feeling put down, the competitive side kicks in. You won’t care what others think, say or feel, coz you’d want to believe you are right. You’d compete to prove yourself, to re-assure your identity. (to save your ego)

    But does that make it a wrong reason? Err… I say no.
    Ego is merely a self defence mechanism to protect your emotional well being. All it does is reinstate the fact that YOU exist, you are unique and you are right. It therefore drives you to compete, to put yourself out there in that chaotic world, where everyone else is also learning to co-exist.

    Beware that some people are more egoistic than others. Naturally, they are therefore more competitive. Extreme ego leads to narcissism – one of the traits of overly competitive.

    But some compete out of scarcity.

    Now this one kinda seems obvious. When resources are limited, everyone pulls each other down to make the most of it.
    Put with a bunch of crabs, trying to come out of shit hole, you’ve got to learn to compete. Don’t you?

    What is tough then is to let go this tendency, when you’ve reached your place of abundance. That doesn’t happen automatically.

    So, how do you know if you are an overly competitive person?

    So one thing I’ve learned is that there is nothing wrong in being competitive.
    Competition gives you a nudge to be your best self.
    Being overly competitive though is problematic.
    It affects YOU (without you realising it) and those around you (without you acknowledging it).

    Ask yourself three questions.
    1. Are you constantly thinking about getting ahead of someone?
    2. You don’t worry how others feel about your chase?
    3. Do you feel stressed emotionally and maybe physically?

    If the answer to any of the above is yes, then you my mate are overly competitive. You are far from knowing your true purpose and cutting the chase is necessary.

    Are you a sufferer making those around you suffer? (Irony, that is).

    What would it take for you to realise this?

    © myhandwrites. Megha Gupta. All rights reserved.

  • The Habit of People Pleasing

    There is a fine line between being nice and being a people pleaser.
    Do you realize when you’ve leaped your boundaries to make someone happy?
    Do you know, when to say “NO”?
    Can you stand for your beliefs and values? Do you actually have some? OR
    Do you adjust them often to suit the situation?


    Whether or not you are a people pleaser, you might find some of the below traits familiar. (for there is no such thing as an “overly nice person“) 😎

    1. Never say NO!

    Have you been in a situation before where you were left hanging on crossroads?
    Did they not share their thoughts straight and clear?
    For some people, saying “NO” can be impossible. People pleasers aren’t really decisive which is why they procrastinate their true feelings and roll with the situation. They’d rather be in denial than confront their fears and bear the repercussions.

    Perhaps it’s time to let go and make a call yourself? 🙄

    2. Lie to play good

    For someone indulged in people pleasing, lying can come as a natural skill. They would rather lie than offend. So they shower compliments every time you seek their opinion.
    They aren’t of course blindfolded to see those obvious flaws. They just feel morally obliged to make everyone happy.
    It is what they do to feed their sense of self worth. (by taking responsibility to make you happy)

    3. Never Confront

    Confrontation is not an option for them.
    They are worse at handling conflicts. Which is why they are agreeable and overly adjusting. If you notice a person who would crib but not confront, who would slog but not manage expectations, you’re likely witnessing a people pleaser.

    Should you be worried to work alongside?
    I’d say Definitely. They are setting unsustainable benchmarks. 😳


    Why they do what they do – Deep rooted need of validation

    Acceptance and approval for a people pleaser does not come independently. They seek this validation externally. (that’s what we do as a child)

    Typically, when we submit ourselves to parental desires, we seek their validation unknowingly. Love follows compliance, which makes us agreeable instinctively.

    If you couldn’t deviate from those parental preferences for the fear of abandonment or disappointment, you are most likely to associate those fears in all other relationships.

    It is this deep rooted need for acceptance that makes someone morally obliged to keep others happy and avoid conflicts.

    Why they do what they do – Culture promotes it

    Culture has a profound impact on how you perceive yourself in a society. Its values are reflected in your day to day experiences. If everyone around you believes in those shared values, you are highly unlikely to challenge them.

    Would you rather stand alone and hold onto your beliefs OR would you slowly adapt to be able to belong?

    In that bid to belong somewhere, one might as well forget their own likings and values.
    That might be why they resort to people pleasing.

    In the End

    People pleasing is toxic. It is extremely draining (both mentally & physically ) as it takes time and energy to make someone consistently happy. This of course comes at the expense of your own needs. What makes it worse is when you aren’t aware of them actually.

    If you were to know what you stand for, would you then still be happy?
    Would you dare to prioritize yourself (& your needs) above others?
    Would you then accept yourself when they think of you as ” not so nice”?



    #endofstory

    © Copyright 2020. Megha Gupta. All rights reserved.

  • The Perks of being Judgemental

    The five “perks” of being judgemental

    1. You get a chance to “self reflect”

    Being judgemental gives you a chance to self reflect (literally). You see the world through your own eyes. You measure its worth by your own beliefs. 😎
    All your life, you build a holy grail of values, to justify those hidden beliefs. You judge someone on the basis of those (confounding) beliefs.

    So what, if they don’t publish a guide for your principles. You go ahead and publish your own “Bible”. 😎 You build each chapter around those miserable sins, those ignorant commit. (How else would they learn your holy beliefs?)

    You guide them to the only path of salvation. (that is, by becoming you!) 😛 This gives you a chance to self reflect (literally ). Perhaps, you like their version of you?!

    [Self reflection]

    2. The world owes you for your charitable framework

    That habit of standardizing every situation often comes in very handy. (So, you might just meet a person at a bar, know where he or she comes from and write their bio data yourself!. 😛 )Thanks to your judgemental framework, we now know how to make quick conclusions. How else would we know – that Americans are loud. All Canadians are polite. Germans are distant. The Spanish are talkative and all Indians work in IT. 😳

    3. You get done more in less time

    Being judgemental makes you more productive. So, you have a pile of resume sitting at your desk ? Perhaps, you have a tight timeline? Don’t worry. Just be yourself (overly critical) 😈

    (End of one week. Outcome : 100 rejects. Super productive!)

    4. You become an Influencer

    Being judgemental can even make you an influencer. The world is full of meeks.(who want to believe in something) So, you may say whatever the heck you have to say. Just be loud and clear in what you think and someone, somewhere will strike a chord with you. Who knows what sentiments you may trigger! They may as well declare you an overnight success! (#revolutionary #disrupter.)

    We’ve witnessed quite some “influential” leaders in past (although not in a good way) . Who knows you might be the next one? #milord

    5. You don’t have to fit in

    An advantage of being your judgemental self is that you don’t fit in (or rather have to fit in). Those around you just don’t suit your “high” standards. So, you stay happy to be your own friend. (with whom you happen to be in love).

    You probably don’t care if they leave you all alone (& mark your grave – “The overly judgmental.”) You’d be too busy to care. lying in that grave, judging thy neighbors. (Maybe, they understand your wisdom better)

    After note:
    Wondering why that therapist says “don’t be judgemental”?
    Maybe, he made a flaw in his judgement! 😎
    P.S – Just a perspective. Absolutely not self help! 😉

    © Copyright 2020. Megha Gupta. All rights reserved.

  • Are you being overly defensive?

    Have you been in a situation before where you came out defensive? Did someone set your alarms off or did you bring up your shield even before the attack occur? Were you called overly emotional or perhaps close minded? Maybe you were protecting yourself from an unpleasant feeling. Maybe you were avoiding a responsibility. Or perhaps, you were protecting that fragile ego of yours?

    All of us have been defensive at some point in our lives. Admit it! Whatever the heck the reason be, our defensive self can turn a neutral situation into a war. Do you realize when you are being defensive? Or do they commit the offense of telling you that? (Shoot them!). In this post, I share a glimpse of some defensive episodes. Maybe, you recognize some of them? I certainly don’t. [just being defensive] 😎

    Episode 1 : It’s not my Fault.

    Ever felt blamed for something that you didn’t want to own? Did you just dissociate yourself from the situation completely? Is that your natural skill or have you become an expert at dodging the blame at someone else?

    Maybe, its time to let go the fault finding and admit your fault. Nah?Then, maybe you can get back at them by merely stating the fact – their criticism invoked your defense mechanism. 😆

    Episode 2 : Why do I have to justify myself ?

    Have you been to an awkward interview where you wish you had not come? Why? Was that sadist interviewer questioning your worth? Or was he psychoanalyzing your reaction?

    Well, your need for validation could have made you sound defensive. You might as well have boasted your credentials at the slightest sound of rejection, but that didn’t help you win his confidence.

    Maybe, you now feel glad that you were not selected. Think hard! Are you now protecting yourself from feeling dismissed? 🙄

    Episode 3: There is a deeper meaning to this

    Did you ever start an argument from a subtle remark someone made? Why? Did it pinch you that deep? Did it bring up bad memories from the past? Is that why you decide to go full on defensive?

    Overthinking can make you overly sensitive. You may simply overreact to protect yourself from your own insecurities.

    So, next time, pack your argument for a different moment. That way, they can’t figure out, if you are being defensive! 👿

    Episode 4 : Let me take back the control

    Perhaps, you felt like you were loosing control. Was there a situation where you thought, your opinions didn’t matter? Did you feel undervalued ? How did you cope with your looming identity crisis?

    Projecting your anger is often another way of self defense. It has twofold benefits – 1. It satisfies your impulse to feel powerful. 2. It scares the hell out of the person trying to undermine your existence.

    No matter who comes out victorious from this power play, it sure has some financial downturn.

    Episode 5: Offense is the best defense

    “You don’t have to live your life the way they ask you to. You are your own master.” Did somebody just challenge that conviction? Did it awaken the warrior in you? 😳

    Sometimes, offense is the best mechanism to protect yourself from a hurtful experience. While the consequences can be grave, who the f*ck cares about them when following instincts! 😎

    The End

    Being defensive is not unnatural. In fact we were all born with a “Survival Instinct” – our basic self defense mechanism. It ensures our physical well being but does not care much for our emotional front. So, as we grow up in this demented world, we enhance our defense structures to protect our ego, our confidence, our basic need to feel content with ourselves.

    Being overly defensive, however, is a problem. It can affect you and your relationships badly. In a bid to protect your own self, you might completely isolate yourself. Perhaps, your dear ones think you can let go that shield of yours? What do you think? Would it hurt to be more vulnerable than being overly defensive?

    © Copyright 2020. Megha Gupta. All rights reserved.